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A funny thing happened ...
on John Garrett's way to the office
BY ROGER SCHLUETER
Belleville News-Democrat
One morning last spring, up-and-coming comedian John Garrett could feel the tears of a clown welling up again.
Garrett was walking to his day job as a senior financial analyst in Indianapolis when he suddenly found himself singing "I just don't care, I just don't care ..." over and over. That's when he knew he was in big trouble.
"I just stopped right there in the middle of the sidewalk, and shook my head," the New Baden native recalled. "I was like, wow, this is a lot worse than I thought.
"I just wasn't a happy person anymore. I really wasn't. Generally, I'm a happy person and positive, optimistic, someone that people like to be around. But it was a lot of work to be that person because my corporate job was really weighing me down."
A new boss not only was frowning on Garrett's gigs as a weekend standup comic, but also taking credit for his work. Garrett was about to move to another company when he thought, "Hey, I've opened for Louie Anderson. I've met Jay Leno and Jerry Seinfeld. I've worked with Jimmy Brogan and Wayne Cotter. Why do I want to pore over accounts receivable all day?"
So Garrett, who holds an accounting degree from Notre Dame, walked away from the world of three-piece Armanis to become a full-time comic. Now, four months later, he couldn't be happier.
"It's amazing," he said. "It's like a huge weight has been lifted. I've been writing a ton of material and getting a lot better on stage. And, I'm doing it more frequently. It really feels good to go to new cities that have never seen me before and receiving that positive validation from people."
This weekend, though, he'll be returning to familiar territory during another of his Clinton County Comedy tours. This time he has snared headliner Pat Dixon of Comedy Central fame to join him for appearances Friday at Jimmy T's in Breese and Saturday at Jailhouse Rock in Trenton.
He's hoping his old friends will come out to celebrate his new-found freedom.
"I have friends in the industry who will never have the opportunities I've had already," he said. "So for me to waste those, I thought, was kind of selfish. And, I thought, what do I have to lose? I'm 29, I'm single. It's just time and money, and who cares? You have to check them at the door when you're going upstairs, anyway. So, I'm giving it my all. I really am."
It has required some adjustments. In addition to trying to reassure Dad and Mom (John and Bonnie Garrett of New Baden), he has traded down to a used Honda Civic and moved to a smaller place. He has to work hard every day to get his name in front of booking agents and comedy clubs.
The one thing that hasn't changed is his unpredictable, irrepressible sense of humor.
Recently, Garrett, who admits knowing next to nothing about NASCAR racing, attended the Brickyard 400 on a free ticket from a comedy club. Across from him was a pit crew working on a car that had a prominent Fruit of the Loom logo.
"And, there's a guy with a crank in the back of the car, so I asked what he was doing," Garrett said. "And, one of the superfans next to me said, 'Oh, he's adjusting the wedge.' I started laughing so hard. The best part is that this guy didn't even get it. It went right over his head. I was going to ask if the crank were on the front, would he be adjusting the Melvin?"
That's just one example of Garrett's off-kilter view of the world.
Spotting an environmental license plate on an H2 Humvee, Garrett quipped: "Nothing says save the planet like 10 miles to the gallon."
Willie Nelson's song "Whatever Happened to Peace on Earth?" decrying the waste of money in Iraq led Garrett to opine, "It's not like it's his tax dollars. I think the U.S. government ought to write a song called 'Whatever Happened to Willie's 1040s?'"
And, of course, there's always plenty of material to be mined from growing up in a rural Illinois farm community.
"I don't want to brag, but my high school reunion was a BYOB on the backroads. This girl comes up to me and says, 'Wow! What do you do to afford that new KIA!?' I wish I was making it up, but I'm not. It really happened."
"It's just simple, good-natured humor," said Garrett, who has made it a point to shun the potty-mouth variety. "And that's how I am. There's no ill-intention involved or anything like that. It's just let's all have a good laugh."
Since his start at the Westport Funny Bone in St. Louis in 2000, more and more people have been laughing along. In March 2004, he opened for Louie Anderson at the Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa in Atlantic City.
Just recently he had a seven-minute set at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York, the same club seen in Jerry Seinfeld's documentary, "Comedian."
"It really felt good to go there and totally kill," Garrett said. "In fact, it got really weird during a laugh break in my routine. There was this little devil on my shoulder who decided to replay a scene from that movie in my head where they bring Jerry Seinfeld on stage and he's standing right where I'm standing.
"Then, the other part me -- the angel on my other shoulder -- is saying, 'Hey, dumbass, you've got the rest of your set to finish. Why don't you reminisce a little bit later?' It only lasted five, seven seconds, but it felt like five minutes. That definitely helped reassure me that if I can do that in New York City, then, hey, this is something I definitely should be doing."
Now, booked solidly for the rest of the year, Garrett has set his hopes sky-high. But if he can't replace Conan O'Brien or star in his own sitcom (no joke -- really), he'll gladly settle for writing for a hot show or movie.
"And the crazy thing about it is it's actually a reality," he said. "I mean, you never know in this business."
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